Resting

I don't own a comfortable chair.

...something is unsettling about becoming settled.

"no rest for the weary" meets "idle hands," and all the bad lot that follows.

I have always run along a timeline. Able to see the hourglass sands finding their way to gravities desires and not complacent in its calling my name aloud. Running so fast the destination is as obscure and fleeting as the journey. The days fly by as the clock with its unyielding and unforgiving schedule gets fatter, fuller, and more demanding. Most days I wake up on Monday only to find it Thursday afternoon. 

While I don't have a soft inviting chair, I do have a cloudy resplendent bed. It is the only place I go to rest. The rest is, well, kinetic chaos to complete a task list that includes peaceful compassion to allow every living thing to flourish. I don't seek accomplishments only a dreamers canvas. There has to be sleep even in the obsequious near absence of relaxation.

Wally. Cats and hair ties.. 

Over the top is what best describes it. Over the top is what describes it all. Every last moment is so full I cannot ever look back with regret or remorse. I filled every day with all of it. Every intention to be as full as it could be. Ask hard questions, look for challenging answers. Never walk away from someone or something you can help with. Push so hard there is just a wall that reminds you this is the end. Doesn't everyone want their end to be simply because there was no gas left in the tank?

Maybe being a veterinarian, the profession with the highest suicide rate, the most compelling reasons for death, is exactly the place to know how fragile it all is. Maybe seeing the reflection of your own soul in the eyes of every other soul that comes to you is the best mirror. Maybe this life was meant to be so full of need that you didn't have time to ask yourself if you ever needed the bullshit that floods social media. Maybe the billionaires seeking more stuff are so lost the clutter is a way to fill a hole that just gets bigger from indifference? Maybe the secret to life is living it in all of its hardship while you make the moment last just a little longer than everyone else can by giving it all away.

Perla, pyometra

I'm not wishing for anything other than what I have. I wouldn't do a single second of it any differently. I am, however, looking for a more peaceful plod through it all. A way to be grateful, purposeful, and feel alive. I don't want to go back, do it over. Find the pieces easier the next time, but it would be appreciated to not feel so worn out by Friday. There is the key I am missing as I chase the sands through the bottle neck to settle in the shore of time.

Note To Self

I sit in the morning inhaling coffee in tiny breaths. Whispering to myself as a calling. A gentle internal reminder just to see if the systems are still running. Neglecting the cylinder count as a small way to permit a flaw here or there. Collateral acceptance snuggled in permissive acceptance. I try to be understanding to the engine that reminds me it is showing its miles.

My Birdie reminding me to relax more than I let myself.

Reality blankets like an insulator. Deep, silencing, unyielding. A tight jacket that hugs back like a finger trap. The more I struggle the harder it embraces. There is no feedback that permits relenting.

..And so I sit quietly. Appearances of acquiescence. A body that ages as the soul stirs lifeblood back in. 

Found on the side of the road with head trauma, blindness, pain and fear.
Her rescuer named her Angel. She, over 5 days, has made an (almost) full recovery.
They remind me that miracles are everywhere if you will let them in.

The daily sequence of hours that exist between coffee at my kitchen table, and the cat purring on my pillow each night are fraught with too many needful souls. Furr-iously feverish with chaos sprinkled atop. It is the life I always dreamt of. The life I felt most honorable, needful, and absolute within. The place where mattering means everything. A shadow of credentials accrediting the mastering of a skill. Those three little letters, punctuated to add significance. Bold, erect, commanding, at the end of the name I was born with. They, well, they were and remain, the epitaph I got to carry my entire veterinary professional career. If you are very fortunate you get to write your own obituary early on, and build that legacy as a path you adorn with good intentions and not feel so burdened by clearing the road for anyone elses foot traffic. 

The professional degree was the bait. But, it brought with it a fear that the years of repetition, the endless one note of the same tune, might produce some degree of boredom.

Stripes, Baby Ketchup, and their girls. Reminding me to take joy in being a part of their story.
There is nothing more that I cherish than being able to see them all grow up together.

The highlights are the same. The stories repeat themselves time and time again. Some with nuances that remind me to be a constant student. Others with a pat of reassurance that practice has brought mastery, and others are a harsh, painful, albeit earned reminders that there is work left to be done. All of the repetition remains welcomed. All of the wrinkles were earned. All of what is behind, ahead and around mine for the pile in my nest. 

P.S. I just celebrated 20 years at Jarrettsville Vet. It's a milestone that I had always hoped to reach. When you find your place you can call it home.